Declassified : a low-key guide to the high-strung world of classical music / Arianna Warsaw-Fan Rauch.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

Classical Music Isn't a Thing : A Very Biased Overview of 1,400 Years of Music -- Talent Isn't a Thing, Either : Okay, Fine, So It's a Thing, but It's Not as Much of a Thing as You Think -- Classical Music Is for Snobs : But It's Also for You -- Conductors Are Assholes : And Other Popular Archetypes of the Classical Music Industry -- Million- Dollar Baby Grands (and Violins) : The Literal Price of Excellence -- Welcome to the Jailyard : The Truth about Competition in Classical Music -- It's Easy to Get Lost : Navigating a Composition- and a Career in Classical Music -- Sometimes There Are Curses : Beethoven's Hair, Mozart's Requiem, and Other Superstitions of the Classical Universe -- They're Not All Symphonies : All the Pretty (Kinds of) Pieces -- Romantic in the Candle- Lined- Hot- Tub Sense of the Word : Famous (and Not So Famous) Love Stories of Classical Music -- Here Comes the Bride : The I Dos and I Don'ts of Wedding and Event Music -- How to Be a Listener : How to Hear (and Truly Appreciate) Classical Music -- One more viola joke.

"In Declassified, Warsaw-Fan Rauch blows through the cobwebs of elitism and exclusion and invites everyone to love and hate this music as much as she does. She offers a backstage tour of the industry and equips you for every listening scenario, covering: the 7 main compositional periods (even the soul-crushingly depressing Medieval period), a breakdown of the instruments and their associated personality types (apologies to violists and conductors), what it's like to be a musician at the highest level (it's hard), how to steal a Stradivarius (and make no money in the process), and when to clap during a live performance (also: when not to). Declassified cheekily demystifies the world of High Art while making the case that classical music matters, perhaps now more than ever"-- Provided by publisher.